And it's a......!

This week we found out the sex of this little baby (Tater Tot To Be)!

Unlike with our first (FrenchFry), when my husband and I found out together during our 18 week ultrasound, this time we found out through a phone call based on a blood test done at 14 weeks.  It's amazing to see the medical advancements in just a few years between pregnancies.

I got the news over the phone while I was working from home and my husband was at work.  I just didn't feel right telling him the news through a text or phone call so I hatched a last minute plan to surprise him at work.

I quickly ran over to the grocery store to get some flowers and to find something to help me share the news.  And I settled on some petit fours that had the familiar color (I'm not too into the blue is for boys and pink is for girls thing, but I  like convenience and this was the easiest plan I could hatch in the few minutes I had).

I drove over to my husband's office and texted him from the parking lot that I got the call.  He immediately called me back and said "Aaaaaannnnnnndddddd????"  So I told him to come outside.

And then I gave him the bag with the petit fours to open and inside he found...

Tater Tot is a BOY!!!

The plan was a bit corny but it in reality it was also very special and sweet.  My husband was very surprised by the visit and it was great to be able to tell him the news in person.

I don't know why but I've always thought I would be the mother of boys.  And now that's going to be true!  TWO boys!  And FrenchFry is going to have a little brother.  We can't wait until this little guy is here and have our two little boys together.

Parents of BOYS.  :-)

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Quotes That Keep Us Grounded - CandidCuddles Linky Post

After quite the hiatus from the blog - for good reason, which I will be sharing very soon - I'm back!  And for my first post in a long time, I'm linking up with the #CandidCuddles linky!

My quote for this week is one that helps me stay grounded as a parent:

This picture was taken at Fall Creek Falls State Park in Tennessee where we are vacationing this week.

 "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice" by Peggy O'Mara. 

This quote has always spoken to me, even before I had my son.  It's one of those things that I read and it just made sense to me.  And it's a good reminder when things get frustrating - as they tend to do with small children (and older children too I imagine!).  A reminder that how we react to them and the that things we say, and maybe just as importantly how we say it, matter.  Children are a blank canvas when they come to us and we are forming the world for them with everything we do and everything to which they are exposed.

My family and I are on vacation right now and all of our routines are turned upside down.  We are also here with my brother and his family including his two young children who have their own routines and set of rules.  This can definitely cause more than our normal share of toddler meltdown moments and can be a little less than relaxing... to put it mildly!  But quotes like this remind me to take a breath and try to stay patient because moments like this matter.  Plus I want to enjoy my vacation and letting myself get too upset or worked up because of some extra whiny-ness because of a missed nap isn't going to help me (or anyone else) enjoy this time together.

Do you have a favorite quote that helps you stay grounded as a parent?

Check out the CandidCuddles quotes linky  and the rest of this week's quotes here:

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I Don't Want What the Other Moms Want for Mother's Day

This week I've seen a number of posts about what mother's "really want" for Mother's Day.  The themes are generally the same:

No cooking:

No Cleaning:

No Changing Diapers:

More Sleep:

And while I do want all of those things too, and part of me wants to relate to those posts and share them with gusto proclaiming "yeah - this is what we really want! Amirite ladies??!?"

I just can't.

Why? Because my  my husband already does these things.

He cooks and cleans more than I do. He probably does 70% of the housework to my 30%.   (Okay - it's really 80/20) And while I haven't actually kept count on a macro scale my husband has most likely changed more dirty diapers than I have to date as well.  (I  do keep track of whose turn it is during any given day - don't we all?)  Plus he gets up with FrenchFry and lets me sleep in well past what most would think a reasonable hour at least one morning each weekend.  Often he will take FrenchFry for a long walk or to the grocery store so I can get up and spend time on the computer in peace while drinking my first cup of coffee too.  And speaking of the grocery store - I barely see the inside of one as he does the bulk of the shopping for the family as well. 

I'm living the dream, Folks.  Every day is Mother's Day for me.

Or at least, every day is the day that all of these posts are saying that moms want for Mother's Day.  It doesn't mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows and that it's not still hard to be a mom even with a husband who does so much.  Being a parent is hard no matter how much of the housework/diapering/cooking you do.  I still need acknowledgement this Sunday and maybe a little pampering or time for that "self care" I'm supposed to be doing.

And this may just be me justifying how unbalanced those things can be in our house but I do work longer hours than my husband (we both work full time).  Even after working late, it's a common occurrence for me to have to log onto my work computer after FrenchFry goes to bed a few nights a week (and on the weekends).  Plus I am the one that keeps the lights on and makes sure we have insurance and bills paid because I take care of our household paperwork and finances. 

I've also been giving myself (quite literally) in other ways that my husband has not with pregnancy and then nursing combined for three years now.  And because I was breastfeeding, I did the lion's share of the nighttime parenting - getting up with FrenchFry every night for two years.  (My husband did get up plenty those first months as well but at a certain point it made sense for me to get up solo for nighttime feedings.) And I also know there are things that I give to my son - things that I feel are very important like a strong show of patience, empathy and understanding.  My husband is also a wonderful, caring and responsive parent, but we show empathy in different ways. 

I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all that he does for me and our little family.  I do think we balance each other out, and while there are ways in which he carries a heavier load than me, there are ways in which I believe I do as well.  Based on the posts I'm seeing this week, there are still many mothers out there who may still be taking on a greater load of the household and parenting than they would like.  

Maybe there is balance in those relationships too and the lists of the things that moms don't want this Sunday doesn't mean that those moms are stuck with more of the household and parenting necessarily.  Maybe we all just need a break from these things from time to time and Mother's Day is a good day to ask for that.  Though from talking to people and just the sheer volume of those types of posts - it makes me suspect that there is still a lot of imbalance out there.  I don't suspect we will see tons of posts from men asking for the day off from cooking, cleaning and diapering next month of Father's Day.  It's just a hunch.

A guy at work recently told me - after I threatened to explain to him with full detail on what pumping at work is all about and why YES, we do need a room dedicated for that in our offices - that he told his wife that he'd get involved once each of his kids turned two and a half.  Until that point, they were all hers.  And while he's clearly on the total asshat end of the spectrum when it comes to supportive husbands and fathers it is stories like this that make me thank my lucky stars for my partner in this whole parenting thing.

Mother's Day gets a lot of attention and drives a lot of commerce but based on the numerous posts I've seen recently, it seems like there is still a lot of work to be done to support and share the load for many mothers throughout the year. 

And for me, I'll just take some quality time with my family and my own mother to celebrate Mother's Day.  And maybe some chocolate.  :-)

You Won't Ruin Them

"I’m not offering you a quick fix solution, I’m not telling you that there is a magic trick to make babies sleep for hours on end, what I’m telling you is that what you are experiencing is normal." (From Hectic and Clueless)

That is a quote from this article on baby sleep has been making the rounds on social media this week and it really struck home with me.  The tone of this article is a little more confrontational than I think I would be myself, but there is also a lot in here I agree with. 

Mostly - I think if something is working for you and your child, then go with it. You won't "ruin" your child's chance at ever sleeping "through the night" - since that appears to be our main goal as early parents if you spend any time on the internet or talking to veteran parents.... you won't ruin them if you nurse or cuddle or rock them to sleep, and I promise you they won't be sleeping in your bed when they are 15 years old. The chances of that happening are less than 0.000000000002% from my non-scientific estimations.

You have 13 years before we kick you out, kid.

There have been rough patches when I did wish for better, more, longer sleep but mostly I have been okay with the way things have (almost) naturally occurred on their own with my FrenchFry's sleep. I nursed him to sleep every night for almost 2 years and would nurse him overnight if he woke up for those same 2 years as well. These are things that I feel almost embarrassed to tell people outside of my close friends for some reason - but it WORKED for us. 

Things usually got much worse when I tried to push him into something that deep down I knew he wasn't ready for yet. And then when I knew he was really ready -like when I night weaned him recently (read about it here: In Defense of Weaning my 2 Year Old) - when I did wait until I knew he was ready it went really well - without a lot of tears or heartache.

Mostly I want you to know that if you are in the midst of it right now - do what feels right and don't let the pressure of everything you read on the Internet - or the parents who forget what it was like to be there with a newborn or had a newborn that was very different than your newborn is and had different needs - don't let that create doubt or second guessing of yourself. And if what you are doing works for YOU, then go with it.

And know that there are people out there who nursed and held and rocked their kid to bed every night long past when they were told it was "okay" to do so.  People nursed overnight past a 2 year birthday who now get pretty great sleep most nights and is starting to missing those middle of the night cuddles a bit more than she thought she would. 

(Though really I always knew I would.)

FrenchFry sleeping in his big boy bed.  Apparently I didn't ruin him!

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It Takes a Village...

It Takes a Village..

For me to pee apparently.

Every time I go into the bathroom my toddler and our dog have to follow me in there. FrenchFry (toddler) can be in the middle of an intense puzzle session and not have uttered my name for twenty minutes but the second I sneak off to the bathroom he's running down the hall yelling "Mommy!" and busting right in. And for some unknown reason the dog is usually right behind him.

My "Village" knows nothing of privacy... but they are cute.

If I do actually make it into the bathroom alone then you'll find me sitting there long after I'm done taking a break from my little "village" and catching up on my Facebook and Twitter or maybe this blog.  Yes I take my iPhone into the bathroom just like everyone else does - I just admit to it.

Just five minutes of no one repeating my name over and over can feel like a mini vacation.  It's funny how much we push and are excited for them to say our names for the first time and then well... it can get a little old sometimes.

I started out as "Momma" when FrenchFry was around um... hrm, I may need to consult the baby book on that one (if I filled that part out).  Eventually "Momma" morphed into "Mommy" which was somehow even better.  Recently though my name has become "MommyMOMmyMOMMY!!!!" in a high pitched tone which just doesn't have the same sweet ring as the first few times my name rolled off his sweet little baby lips.

Before I became pregnant with my son, my biggest fear was that I would regret giving up my independence.  I lived on my own for many years and bought a house by myself before my husband and I lived together.  Independence and a sense of freedom have always been very important to me, and it was scary to think of giving that up.  For me, it was hard to imagine what it would be like to be a parent before I had my son.  Intellectually I knew that it would be rewarding but it was hard to imagine such intangible benefits without actually having been a parent.  It was much easier for me to imagine the very real and tangible things that I did have in my life that would in many ways go away once we had a child.

Yes, when you are a mom you do give up most (all?) of that independence and freedom.  And while I haven't peed by myself very often in the privacy of my own home in the past two years... I don't regret it for a second.  Since the day that FrenchFry was born, I haven't wanted to be too far from him for very long.  In part it may be because I work outside of the home that I am always wanting more quality time with him.  Or maybe it's because one of my top Languages of Love is just that - quality time.  (You can read more about my and my husband's love languages here). 

I wouldn't give up being a mom for the world.  Though I still wouldn't mind peeing without the village a little more often...

Yeah... it's worth it.

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How much do moms actually have to give? Or: Why I'm a terrible mom.

Today is my birthday, and I have planned a luxurious and relaxing day for myself.  I booked three hours (THREE HOURS!) at the spa and plan to go to the movies by myself afterwards.  I've been walking around telling everyone that for the first time since becoming a mom, I'm taking a day off just for me!  This is the first vacation day I've taken since FrencyFry was born where we weren't going out of town or daycare wasn't closed.  This really is a first for me to just take the day for myself, and I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this.

This morning, after the husband left for daycare drop off and work, I started the day by watching some House of Cards, Interneting and general lazy-bumness on the couch while drinking my coffee.  Off to a great start!

And then the phone rang...

FrenchFry threw up on the way to school.

Sigh...

<tears>

Yes - I actually cried.  Not tears for my toddler but tears for ME.  (See: terrible mom.)

I just can't believe it.  My day, my spa treatment, going to the movies, my ME time... it's all slipping away from me with one simple phone call.  My husband is actually on the way home right now with him and he's volunteered to take the day off from work to take care of our son so I can still have my day, but I feel so conflicted.  If FrenchFry is not feeling well then I do want to be there to comfort him.  Ugh.  <whimper>  But it was supposed to be MY DAY!!

And now the question is - can I leave a sick kid and even enjoy a spa experience?   Will I hate myself if I stick with the plan?  Moms are bombarded with messages that tell us to take care of ourselves while simultaneously living up to these incredibly high standards we are given. When we do try to take time for ourselves it's hard not to feel that familiar mom guilt. 

Coincidentally, last night Tim was reading FrenchFry the Giving Tree, and I was telling him that I really don't like the book.  I think it's because it feels like it's about the martyrdom of motherhood - and that's really not my favorite part of being a mom.  It seems like we are expected to be happy giving all of ourselves over to our kids, but how can we be?  Don't we have to preserve ourselves somehow through this thing called motherhood?  Can we give all of our love without chopping off our limbs too?

Is the little boy an ungrateful little jerk or is it just me?

My Language of Love is Ice Cream

My Language of Love is Ice Cream

Okay... It's actually Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. Yes I have 3 and noooo... That does not make me hard to please and high maintenance. Ahem. I rank pretty high on all three (out of 5 Love Languages) and guess which are the Languages of The Husband?  You guessed it- the other two. His are Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. Actually I'm probably pretty high on that last one too. I love presents. Lots and lots of presents in shiny wrapping paper.

But I digress... 

We have an interesting situation in our house and marriage where the ways that I express and show love pretty much don't even register for The Husband and vice versa.

I'm really glad we took the quiz though because it really helps us recognize the differences and understand the small ways that we can reach out to each other  that means a lot more to the other person. For my husband the act of unloading and loading the dishwasher is an expression of love (Acts of Service).  And by being the one who does the bulk of the housework I see that is his way of showing his love. (Plus I don't think he wants to live in filth and if he didn't do the housework.....)  So on Valentine's Day (and at least a handful of other days throughout the year- ahem) I make a point to do the dishes and clean the kitchen and it really does mean a lot to him. 

I've recently seen that they have a quiz for kids and a book to help you recognize the love language of your child. I want to explore that with FrenchFry to see what are they ways that he might better respond to or feel our love. What are your Love Languages? Do they line up with your partner? What about childrens' Love Languages?

Focusing on the Good Stuff

Yesterday I went to a Mardi Gras parade with a few friends and our two toddlers.  It was a gorgeous New Orleans day (75 degrees in February?!?  I'll take it!) and we went down to the French Quarter with a wagon and the two tots to get our Barkus on.  The Krewe of Barkus is the Mardi Gras parade with marching bands, floats, beads, and all the fun you would expect at any New Orleans Mardi Gras parade - just with dogs (in costume of course).

Green Barkus dog.  Hopefully it washes out?

 It also required trudging through stop and go traffic, dealing with Mardi Gras parking, walking 12 blocks pulling a wagon and trying to navigate through the crowd to get a good spot - which we never really did.  We were late and weren't able to cross the parade route to meet up with friends we had planned to meet and it was hard to see anything (why are those dogs so short?!?).   I tried to bring FrenchFry up to the front a few times but he couldn't see in the Ergo on my back and he would cry if I tried to put him on my shoulders.  Frankly, he seemed a lot more interested in sitting in the wagon with his friend eating goldfish crackers than checking out the parade at all.

Mommy (Red) and Max on the parade route.

Sometimes it's hard for me to find a way to be truly present and just enjoy things like this.  I focus on all of the things that aren't going right and the expectations I had going in that are hard to live up to.  And now that I have FrenchFry, there is an added expectation that he have (unadulterated) fun as well.  That's not to say that we didn't have fun.  There were the great NOLA Mardi Gras moments in there like FrenchFry and his toddler friend rocking out to the marching band and us all getting our boogie on.  We got (much needed) sunshine and exercise and time in the beautiful French Quarter.  It's just so easy to focus on the things that didn't work out as planned sometimes as opposed to the brighter moments.  Or perhaps to focus on the epic toddler-who-missed-his-nap meltdown that resulted in me carrying a kicking and screaming kid 10 blocks back to our car.  (I really do feel bad for the strangers who came up to us hoping to distract him with their shiny beads because he was just NOT having it.)


Long after we were home (and the meltdown of all meltdowns had subsided) I was putting FrenchFry to bed.  He was playing with his multi-colored nightlight and I asked him:

Me: "Do you have a favorite color, FrenchFry?"

Max: "Uh, yeah!"

Me: "What is it?"

Max:  "Doggie parade!"


And it hit me.  We remember the Good Stuff.  He'll remember the Good Stuff.  And I need to continue to work on being present in the moment and just enjoy the it - not worry so much about the expectations I put on myself or the world around me.

Rockin' out.

If there is any place to really embody that philosophy it is New Orleans during Mardi Gras time.  And I thank my two year old for reminding me of that.  Next weekend is the big weekend of Mardi Gras and we will be hitting more parades and there will be more boogieing to be done. And we will get through the (inevitable) meltdowns and we will all remember the Good Stuff.