Monday, November 30, 2015

Mom Guilt Starts Before Conception

Mom guilt.  

Each of us has it to varying degrees, but we all have it.... likely oscillating between a soft whisper and a loud, CANNOT-BE-IGNORED yell from time to time.  Hopefully those loud moments are few and far between and we can ignore the whispers most.

Since FrenchFry was born two and a half years ago, my particular brand of mom guilt has centered around sending him to daycare (read: abandoning my poor child) and killing myself over pumping issues to make sure I never had to supplement breast milk.  (Not that there is anything wrong with using formula but, again, we are talking about my particular brand of mom guilt and I think breastfeeding became a non-negotiable for me because of guilt around going back to work).  There is also the guilt I feel when I don't want to play a game or read a book for the 15th time and really just want to pawn off bedtime on my husband and binge watch Netflix or bad reality TV.  I mean... I feel the guilt... but will still do it, of course.

But those more recent sources of mom guilt have overshadowed my previous incarnations and I had almost forgotten how early mom guilt really starts.  Now that I'm pregnant again I'm reminded how soon mom guilt starts to creep in.  It can happen even before you are pregnant.

Pre-Conception Guilt: It's real. 

How many of us wish we had lost more weight before getting pregnant?  And not just because of the weight we will gain, but to make sure we are as healthy as possible for the pregnancy.  This time around I started pregnancy 20 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant with FrenchFry.  I just couldn't lose most of the baby weight with him.  I nursed him until I was in my second trimester with this pregnancy and I'm still holding out hope that nursing was what kept me from losing the weight.  So... I guess we'll find out the answer to that in about 3 years if nursing Tater Tot ends up being much the same?  No matter what the reason was, I definitely felt guilty coming into this pregnancy not as healthy as I wish that I were.  The guilt:  it's there and it's real.

Pregnancy Guilt: 9 months of second guessing everything you do.

Much of pregnancy is filled with rules and restrictions on what you should eat and drink.  There are also activity restrictions, lots of conflicting advice, old wives tales, and sometimes straight-up shaming.

I remember when I was pregnant the first time and a (sort of ridiculous) friend of mine was saying that you only need an extra 300 calories per day when pregnant in a judgy of the "eating for two" theory on eating during pregnancy.  It wasn't the judginess about over-eating so much as when she said "a cup of blueberries is 100 calories."  (Cue the sound of my head getting ready to explode.)

Yes... let's judge pregnant women for eating too many blueberries.  Grr...

At the time I was in the fun queasy all the time and nothing except carbs or cheesy carbs could be eaten stage.  And I was particularly proud of myself because after I would settle my stomach with crackers or mashed potatoes just to get something down and keep myself from not feeling like I was going to puke for 45 minutes or so, I would shove a bunch of blueberries in my mouth and feel good about myself for actually eating something with some nutrients in it.

Yes, of course you should try to eat healthy, nutritious foods while pregnant (and always) but the shaming and the guilt is a bit too much sometimes.  As I write this, my Facebook news feed is filled with versions of (this) article saying "nearly half of pregnant women gain too much weight."  Cue more guilt.

Childbirth Guilt: This is the guilt that you get to feel guilty about having at all.

Personally I dealt with a lot of guilt around FrenchFry's birth.  It's enough to explore in a separate blog post, and I probably do need to revisit my feelings about his birth before I give birth to TaterTot.

Don't get me wrong, things turned out fine: FrenchFry was healthy, and I was able to have a vaginal birth.  But there were a few very scary moments when both FrenchFry and I went into distress and whether or not it was true, I blamed myself.  Going into his birth I wanted to avoid interventions and medication if possible.  Not because I'm some warrior woman, but because I worried that interventions would lead to more interventions.  And once I did get the epidural with FrenchFry, that is when those scary, tense moments happened.

But childbirth guilt is one that can cause you even more guilt for having those feelings.  I walked away from a healthy pregnancy and birth with a healthy baby.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was, so how can I even feel regret or express anything resembling a complaint about my experience?  Interventions may or may not lead to more interventions, but in this case guilt does lead to more guilt.

Now That They Are Here Guilt: The guilt that keeps on giving.

As I mentioned, daycare and breastfeeding have been my biggest two sources of mom guilt since FrenchFry was born. Of course they are not the only sources... once our kids are here the sources for guilty are endless.  And each new phase and milestone your child goes through brings new and different potential sources of mom guilt.  I usually have an amazing amount of patience for FrenchFry given my total lack of patience in every other aspect of my life... but sometimes it's just too much.  One morning this week, after having woken up in the middle of the night realizing I had forgotten to prepare for an important work presentation, I hit levels of stress and impatience with FrenchFry and our dog (sorry, Nola dog) that I feel pretty awful about.

But it happens.

We lose our patience.  We put our kids in daycare.  We work too late too often.  We look at our phones too often when we are with our kids.  We let the dishes and laundry pile up.  We forget to tell our partners thank you.

Mom guilt is real... but you aren't the only one.  We all feel it.  The hope is that it stays at that whisper as much as possible and when it's the loud, can't-be-ignored yell, then hopefully it doesn't last too long and we don't beat ourselves up too much about it.  We need to move on.

Recently I saw this quote and it's my new mantra:

"The very fact that you worry about being a good mom meant that you already are one." - Jodi Picoult

Do you remember when you first felt mom guilt?  How do you deal with the endless sources of guilt that come with the territory of being a mom?

Cuddle Fairy

My Random Musings

Sunday, November 22, 2015

You Don't Get to Decide

I'm linking up with #CandidCuddles quote linky this week.  Check out the other great posts here:

Cuddle Fairy

FrenchFry, my soon to be 3 year old, has been surprisingly (to me at least) sensitive and in tune with other people's emotions from a young age.  He often asks you if you are okay if you are sad or frustrated and is quick to offer an apology or a hug if he hurts you unintentionally. 

Even though I do my best not to tell him "you're okay" when he's hurt or sad and let him tell me when he is actually okay, sometimes he will say "no, you are okay" or "I didn't hurt you."  I recently found myself telling him that he doesn't say whether or not he hurt me, that only I can say if I was hurt or not.  When I said it to FrenchFry I was talking about physical hurt and then I saw this quote:

It made me think that the lesson I was trying to teach FrenchFry is a really important one that is very easy for us to forget as adults too.  People are allowed to have their feelings and sometimes we hurt or upset them without intending to do so.  Instead of trying to justify our own actions or downplay their feelings, we need to remember that they get to decide how they feel.  It's okay for us to explain our own intentions but never to undermine or try to takeaway from what it is they have experienced.

Seeing this quote so soon after talking to FrenchFry about something similar was perfect timing and will help me to keep this lesson going for him... and for myself.  It's a good reminder that just because we have good intentions doesn't mean we won't hurt someone else and each of us have the right to our own experiences and feelings.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

And Here's the Part Where I Jinx Us

I was afraid to celebrate too soon and jinx us but now that it's been two days in a row I'm going to chance it.

We have had 2 - count them TWO - accident free potty training days in a row!  There is light at the end of the toilet - er, tunnel!

We have been taking the long, slow approach to potty training. I know there are plenty of experts who tout the 3 day method for potty training but we are going with the 3 month (plus maybe a few more) plan. Much like the (non)sleep-training approach we took.  

Read: The Lazy Method. 


It appears to be working!  The non-sleep-training thing also worked for us so we will go with it. Essentially the lazy method is to ease into things and not push anything too fast and go with instincts (or sometimes with whatever is just easier in the moment). For us it has minimized crying and in the case of potty training accidents.  I know this might not work with all kids so as with anything parenting or child related it isn't universal but things seem to be looking up for having a potty trained kid at (or around, we aren't pushing remember) his third birthday.  

And once I stop high-fiving myself, I'll go pick FrenchFry up from daycare to get the news that he had 15 accidents and refused to go near the potty today.  Because parenting is usually a one step forward, half a step back process. 

But for right now- we are accident free for two whole days! We will take it. 


How did you approach potty training?  Was it the same for each of your kids if you have more than one?