Mom Guilt Starts Before Conception

Mom guilt.  

Each of us has it to varying degrees, but we all have it.... likely oscillating between a soft whisper and a loud, CANNOT-BE-IGNORED yell from time to time.  Hopefully those loud moments are few and far between and we can ignore the whispers most.

Since FrenchFry was born two and a half years ago, my particular brand of mom guilt has centered around sending him to daycare (read: abandoning my poor child) and killing myself over pumping issues to make sure I never had to supplement breast milk.  (Not that there is anything wrong with using formula but, again, we are talking about my particular brand of mom guilt and I think breastfeeding became a non-negotiable for me because of guilt around going back to work).  There is also the guilt I feel when I don't want to play a game or read a book for the 15th time and really just want to pawn off bedtime on my husband and binge watch Netflix or bad reality TV.  I mean... I feel the guilt... but will still do it, of course.

But those more recent sources of mom guilt have overshadowed my previous incarnations and I had almost forgotten how early mom guilt really starts.  Now that I'm pregnant again I'm reminded how soon mom guilt starts to creep in.  It can happen even before you are pregnant.

Pre-Conception Guilt: It's real. 

How many of us wish we had lost more weight before getting pregnant?  And not just because of the weight we will gain, but to make sure we are as healthy as possible for the pregnancy.  This time around I started pregnancy 20 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant with FrenchFry.  I just couldn't lose most of the baby weight with him.  I nursed him until I was in my second trimester with this pregnancy and I'm still holding out hope that nursing was what kept me from losing the weight.  So... I guess we'll find out the answer to that in about 3 years if nursing Tater Tot ends up being much the same?  No matter what the reason was, I definitely felt guilty coming into this pregnancy not as healthy as I wish that I were.  The guilt:  it's there and it's real.

Pregnancy Guilt: 9 months of second guessing everything you do.

Much of pregnancy is filled with rules and restrictions on what you should eat and drink.  There are also activity restrictions, lots of conflicting advice, old wives tales, and sometimes straight-up shaming.

I remember when I was pregnant the first time and a (sort of ridiculous) friend of mine was saying that you only need an extra 300 calories per day when pregnant in a judgy of the "eating for two" theory on eating during pregnancy.  It wasn't the judginess about over-eating so much as when she said "a cup of blueberries is 100 calories."  (Cue the sound of my head getting ready to explode.)

Yes... let's judge pregnant women for eating too many blueberries.  Grr...

At the time I was in the fun queasy all the time and nothing except carbs or cheesy carbs could be eaten stage.  And I was particularly proud of myself because after I would settle my stomach with crackers or mashed potatoes just to get something down and keep myself from not feeling like I was going to puke for 45 minutes or so, I would shove a bunch of blueberries in my mouth and feel good about myself for actually eating something with some nutrients in it.

Yes, of course you should try to eat healthy, nutritious foods while pregnant (and always) but the shaming and the guilt is a bit too much sometimes.  As I write this, my Facebook news feed is filled with versions of (this) article saying "nearly half of pregnant women gain too much weight."  Cue more guilt.

Childbirth Guilt: This is the guilt that you get to feel guilty about having at all.

Personally I dealt with a lot of guilt around FrenchFry's birth.  It's enough to explore in a separate blog post, and I probably do need to revisit my feelings about his birth before I give birth to TaterTot.

Don't get me wrong, things turned out fine: FrenchFry was healthy, and I was able to have a vaginal birth.  But there were a few very scary moments when both FrenchFry and I went into distress and whether or not it was true, I blamed myself.  Going into his birth I wanted to avoid interventions and medication if possible.  Not because I'm some warrior woman, but because I worried that interventions would lead to more interventions.  And once I did get the epidural with FrenchFry, that is when those scary, tense moments happened.

But childbirth guilt is one that can cause you even more guilt for having those feelings.  I walked away from a healthy pregnancy and birth with a healthy baby.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was, so how can I even feel regret or express anything resembling a complaint about my experience?  Interventions may or may not lead to more interventions, but in this case guilt does lead to more guilt.

Now That They Are Here Guilt: The guilt that keeps on giving.

As I mentioned, daycare and breastfeeding have been my biggest two sources of mom guilt since FrenchFry was born. Of course they are not the only sources... once our kids are here the sources for guilty are endless.  And each new phase and milestone your child goes through brings new and different potential sources of mom guilt.  I usually have an amazing amount of patience for FrenchFry given my total lack of patience in every other aspect of my life... but sometimes it's just too much.  One morning this week, after having woken up in the middle of the night realizing I had forgotten to prepare for an important work presentation, I hit levels of stress and impatience with FrenchFry and our dog (sorry, Nola dog) that I feel pretty awful about.

But it happens.

We lose our patience.  We put our kids in daycare.  We work too late too often.  We look at our phones too often when we are with our kids.  We let the dishes and laundry pile up.  We forget to tell our partners thank you.

Mom guilt is real... but you aren't the only one.  We all feel it.  The hope is that it stays at that whisper as much as possible and when it's the loud, can't-be-ignored yell, then hopefully it doesn't last too long and we don't beat ourselves up too much about it.  We need to move on.

Recently I saw this quote and it's my new mantra:

"The very fact that you worry about being a good mom meant that you already are one." - Jodi Picoult

Do you remember when you first felt mom guilt?  How do you deal with the endless sources of guilt that come with the territory of being a mom?

I Don't Want What the Other Moms Want for Mother's Day

This week I've seen a number of posts about what mother's "really want" for Mother's Day.  The themes are generally the same:

No cooking:

No Cleaning:

No Changing Diapers:

More Sleep:

And while I do want all of those things too, and part of me wants to relate to those posts and share them with gusto proclaiming "yeah - this is what we really want! Amirite ladies??!?"

I just can't.

Why? Because my  my husband already does these things.

He cooks and cleans more than I do. He probably does 70% of the housework to my 30%.   (Okay - it's really 80/20) And while I haven't actually kept count on a macro scale my husband has most likely changed more dirty diapers than I have to date as well.  (I  do keep track of whose turn it is during any given day - don't we all?)  Plus he gets up with FrenchFry and lets me sleep in well past what most would think a reasonable hour at least one morning each weekend.  Often he will take FrenchFry for a long walk or to the grocery store so I can get up and spend time on the computer in peace while drinking my first cup of coffee too.  And speaking of the grocery store - I barely see the inside of one as he does the bulk of the shopping for the family as well. 

I'm living the dream, Folks.  Every day is Mother's Day for me.

Or at least, every day is the day that all of these posts are saying that moms want for Mother's Day.  It doesn't mean my life is all sunshine and rainbows and that it's not still hard to be a mom even with a husband who does so much.  Being a parent is hard no matter how much of the housework/diapering/cooking you do.  I still need acknowledgement this Sunday and maybe a little pampering or time for that "self care" I'm supposed to be doing.

And this may just be me justifying how unbalanced those things can be in our house but I do work longer hours than my husband (we both work full time).  Even after working late, it's a common occurrence for me to have to log onto my work computer after FrenchFry goes to bed a few nights a week (and on the weekends).  Plus I am the one that keeps the lights on and makes sure we have insurance and bills paid because I take care of our household paperwork and finances. 

I've also been giving myself (quite literally) in other ways that my husband has not with pregnancy and then nursing combined for three years now.  And because I was breastfeeding, I did the lion's share of the nighttime parenting - getting up with FrenchFry every night for two years.  (My husband did get up plenty those first months as well but at a certain point it made sense for me to get up solo for nighttime feedings.) And I also know there are things that I give to my son - things that I feel are very important like a strong show of patience, empathy and understanding.  My husband is also a wonderful, caring and responsive parent, but we show empathy in different ways. 

I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and all that he does for me and our little family.  I do think we balance each other out, and while there are ways in which he carries a heavier load than me, there are ways in which I believe I do as well.  Based on the posts I'm seeing this week, there are still many mothers out there who may still be taking on a greater load of the household and parenting than they would like.  

Maybe there is balance in those relationships too and the lists of the things that moms don't want this Sunday doesn't mean that those moms are stuck with more of the household and parenting necessarily.  Maybe we all just need a break from these things from time to time and Mother's Day is a good day to ask for that.  Though from talking to people and just the sheer volume of those types of posts - it makes me suspect that there is still a lot of imbalance out there.  I don't suspect we will see tons of posts from men asking for the day off from cooking, cleaning and diapering next month of Father's Day.  It's just a hunch.

A guy at work recently told me - after I threatened to explain to him with full detail on what pumping at work is all about and why YES, we do need a room dedicated for that in our offices - that he told his wife that he'd get involved once each of his kids turned two and a half.  Until that point, they were all hers.  And while he's clearly on the total asshat end of the spectrum when it comes to supportive husbands and fathers it is stories like this that make me thank my lucky stars for my partner in this whole parenting thing.

Mother's Day gets a lot of attention and drives a lot of commerce but based on the numerous posts I've seen recently, it seems like there is still a lot of work to be done to support and share the load for many mothers throughout the year. 

And for me, I'll just take some quality time with my family and my own mother to celebrate Mother's Day.  And maybe some chocolate.  :-)

Sleep... Glorious Sleep. Are We Ready To Give it Up So Soon?

FrenchFry (2 year old) has now slept through the night in his own toddler bed for enough nights in a row that I feel like I can publicize this without jinxing it.  Of course with that sentence I've probably just guaranteed myself at least a few rough nights, but I'm willing to take the chance.  (Dangerous words of an overly confident mom.)

Sleep... glorious sleep.

Two years ago my instincts told me to get up with my son (4 months old at the time) with each cry.  It was around 2 months old that I stopped getting up with each tiny whimper but, anything beyond that, I continued to get up to check on him and comfort him.  That usually meant nursing him for 45 minutes to an hour for the first year, though eventually that became just 30, then 15, then 5 minutes of nursing and he was back to sleep.  It's hard to remember specifics because life with an infant can be  especially blurry when trying to remember the haze of middle of the night parenting.

I know I began the process of night weaning him about 2 and a half months ago because I wrote about it here.  And I was feeling pretty confident when I wrote this a few weeks ago to let other parents know that you won't ruin them forever if you nurse, rock, etc. to sleep.  And now here we are - FrenchFry sleeps in his bed all night long and I got there without having to follow any "methods."

Instead... I just followed my instincts.

Through the last 2.25 years I have second guessed myself a lot when it came to FrenchFry's sleep.  In my heart I always felt that if I waited long enough, eventually he would be sleeping through the night and in his own bed.  And guess what?  It actually worked!  I wish I could go back to the me of 2 years ago - the first time mom of a 4 month old - and let her know that she doesn't have to doubt herself and it is going to work out like she thinks and hopes it will and take away the kernel of doubt that was always there... especially when the advice of the "experts" seemed to contradict my own instincts and approach.

Someone ALWAYS has their advice... sigh.

As my husband and I think about whether or not we are ready to try for another child, I know one of his biggest concerns is going back to that really hard place of having a newborn... to sleepless nights and a crying infant.  But I really think this time will be different.  I mean, I KNOW it will be different because every child is different but also because WE are different now.  We know how things can turn out.  We've been through to the other side and we have seen that you can (and will) get there one day.

One of the hardest things about those sleepless nights is that you don't know if you're going to get through it.  You don't know if you are ruining them for ever (spoiler alert: you're not)... especially when you hear advice from friends, coworkers, strangers, the Internet that tell you that you are doing it wrong. That the choices you are making will keep your child from ever sleeping through the night or in their own bed.  That they will never be able to fall asleep on their own (presumably there are millions of adults out there right now who can't fall asleep unless their roommates or spouses rock them to sleep because their parents did that for them as infants and toddlers).

I'm sure if we do have another child and I'm up at 3am (after having been up at 11pm and 1am as well) and at my wit's end I will remember how naive I was to think that the worst part was the not knowing... when the worst part is probably the torturous lack of sleep and the feeling of helplessness in the moment.  But I suspect that maybe next time will be different.  That I can cling to the fact that things did get better with FrenchFry so they are likely to do the same with the next child. 

Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself so I feel ready to make the plunge into having another child.  In some ways it seems like this new development of actually getting consistent sleep is the best reason not to jump into life with a newborn again!  Maybe it's just like getting a tattoo or giving birth where you forget what it was really like once you get far enough from it.

Or maybe it really will be different next time.

Are these well rested parents ready to give that up so soon?

If you're still in the trenches with infant sleep - just remember that it's okay to trust your instincts because it can and will get better!  

If you have had more than one child, did it get easier the second time around? 

Am I on Candid Camera?

So I was in CVS with FrenchFry (2 year old) today and the chain of events that occurred made me feel like I was in a poorly written sitcom about the follies of mothering young children.  That or I was on a cleverly staged episode of Candid Camera and they somehow got my 2 year old to follow the script perfectly.

First, FrenchFry decided to tell me "these are for you, Momma!"

"New! Just for Bladder Leaks!"

The irony was not lost on me that the majority of women who need the "Always Discreet" (just for bladder leaks) probably do so because of birthing their own little jerk - I mean child.

He proceeded to pull items off the shelf, as two year-olds tend to do.  I know that he lives in a world where everything around him is controlled by others and frequently he is met with the word "no" so I try to give him some freedom where I can.  One place I do that is that I usually let him play and pull items off the shelf as long as he isn't touching anything dangerous or breakable, or making a big mess.  I do require him to put it all back so he learns that he does have to leave things as they were and clean up after himself.

So he pulled off a few boxes of band-aids and then threw them on the ground, which is where I draw the line on poor toddler behavior and decided it was time to have a little positive ("connection based") discussion with him.  I started to talk to him about needing to be careful with things that don't belong to us and that he needed to pick them up and put them back.

Which he responded to by.... kicking them across the aisle.

<Sigh>

At this point my patience was just starting to get tested, which apparently he could pick up on because he decided to kick it up a notch and run away from me down the aisle.  I more sternly ask him to stop and come back to help me pick up the band-aids.  He turned around and (with a twinkle in his eye - I swear I saw it) he started running back towards me and right into the display of bladder leak pads like a line backer on Sundays in the Fall.

Is this really happening?

He continued running... now with a full on giggle.  He was so proud of himself, and I was just stunned.  I couldn't do anything except stand there and laugh.  And take a photo of course because I wasn't sure anyone would believe that this was actually happening.  This was also the point I started to look around and make sure that I wasn't on a bad reality TV show and didn't know it.

I think because I was laughing and scooped him up (before he got away) he got out of defiant toddler mode and really looked at me.  I didn't get upset and I didn't have to - I smiled and asked him to help me pick it all up and he did.  He even picked up the band-aids and helped put them back on the shelf.

The rest of the trip in the store was uneventful and we were able to check out without destroying any more displays or more veiled insinuations about my continence.

Have you ever felt like you were on Candid Camera or were in a bad sitcom because of your child?  

How did you handle it?

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You Won't Ruin Them

"I’m not offering you a quick fix solution, I’m not telling you that there is a magic trick to make babies sleep for hours on end, what I’m telling you is that what you are experiencing is normal." (From Hectic and Clueless)

That is a quote from this article on baby sleep has been making the rounds on social media this week and it really struck home with me.  The tone of this article is a little more confrontational than I think I would be myself, but there is also a lot in here I agree with. 

Mostly - I think if something is working for you and your child, then go with it. You won't "ruin" your child's chance at ever sleeping "through the night" - since that appears to be our main goal as early parents if you spend any time on the internet or talking to veteran parents.... you won't ruin them if you nurse or cuddle or rock them to sleep, and I promise you they won't be sleeping in your bed when they are 15 years old. The chances of that happening are less than 0.000000000002% from my non-scientific estimations.

You have 13 years before we kick you out, kid.

There have been rough patches when I did wish for better, more, longer sleep but mostly I have been okay with the way things have (almost) naturally occurred on their own with my FrenchFry's sleep. I nursed him to sleep every night for almost 2 years and would nurse him overnight if he woke up for those same 2 years as well. These are things that I feel almost embarrassed to tell people outside of my close friends for some reason - but it WORKED for us. 

Things usually got much worse when I tried to push him into something that deep down I knew he wasn't ready for yet. And then when I knew he was really ready -like when I night weaned him recently (read about it here: In Defense of Weaning my 2 Year Old) - when I did wait until I knew he was ready it went really well - without a lot of tears or heartache.

Mostly I want you to know that if you are in the midst of it right now - do what feels right and don't let the pressure of everything you read on the Internet - or the parents who forget what it was like to be there with a newborn or had a newborn that was very different than your newborn is and had different needs - don't let that create doubt or second guessing of yourself. And if what you are doing works for YOU, then go with it.

And know that there are people out there who nursed and held and rocked their kid to bed every night long past when they were told it was "okay" to do so.  People nursed overnight past a 2 year birthday who now get pretty great sleep most nights and is starting to missing those middle of the night cuddles a bit more than she thought she would. 

(Though really I always knew I would.)

FrenchFry sleeping in his big boy bed.  Apparently I didn't ruin him!

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Prisoner of (Toddler) War

As I sneak a piece of pancake from my two year old's plate I feel a slight panic. Is he going to notice?  If he does notice, will he care?  Will this turn into a major meltdown or am I safe?  WHY AM I EVEN TESTING FATE LIKE THIS?

Years before I was a parent myself, a good friend of mine told me how she once peeled an orange for her husband and as she started to hand a piece to him, she went into a state of pure panic as she realized she hadn't first asked if he wanted it peeled and pulled apart. As you have probably guessed - she lived with a toddler at the time.  That story was a glimpse into how volatile the little buggers could be for me.

Of course I didn't really, fully understand this until I had a toddler of my own.  Lately we have been dealing with the emotions that turning two seems to bring.  Those BIG emotions.  FrenchFry (2 year old) is actually probably pretty laid back for a toddler - he's always been a generally happy baby/kid - but that doesn't mean that we don't have regular meltdowns these days.

Some days (or really just part of the day in most cases) it seems like my toddler is a ticking time bomb, and I just don't know what might set him off.  I'm careful not to use certain words (for example: "yogurt," unless I'm prepared to let him slurp down four more Gogurts in one sitting) or make any sudden movements.... yes - sometimes just innocently moving your fork can set them off - WHY DID YOU MOVE THAT FORK?!?! <SOB>.

Sometimes you are the parent who has been there for the lead up to the "verge of a meltdown"...   maybe you just talked the toddler down from a scary, BIG emotions place and are carefully walking on eggshells... making sure not to trigger him and then your partner walks in.... and, of course, they say the EXACT wrong thing for that exact moment, like: "Oh look!  Breakfast time!"

WHY WOULD YOU MENTION BREAKFAST JUST BECAUSE WE ARE EATING BREAKFAST RIGHT NOW?!?!?!!

Ugh...  Meltdown City (Population: 1 Cranky French Fry).

Sometimes I wonder if we parents have a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe it's that biological imperative that keeps us falling back to feelings of good will for our little captors.  That or the cuteness... there is definitely an evolutionary reason that babies and young children are so darn cute.

That cuteness will get you every time!  (Just don't take one of those pancake pieces.)

Being the parent of a toddler takes a lot of patience.  It's also immensely rewarding.  All of these big emotions (that are sometimes hard to handle or even understand) are also why we get so many good hugs and snuggle time during this phase.  I can't get enough of his super awesome two year old snuggles.  It's amazing to watch your child's brain develop right before your eyes (well, not literally... that would be pretty weird).

My two year old blows my mind every day with what he learns, the things he says and the big feelings he has - negative or positive.  Though sometimes it's hard not to get a little shell shocked by all of these BIG emotions flying around when you have a toddler in your home.

Still... the cuteness... and those snuggles...

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It Takes a Village...

It Takes a Village..

For me to pee apparently.

Every time I go into the bathroom my toddler and our dog have to follow me in there. FrenchFry (toddler) can be in the middle of an intense puzzle session and not have uttered my name for twenty minutes but the second I sneak off to the bathroom he's running down the hall yelling "Mommy!" and busting right in. And for some unknown reason the dog is usually right behind him.

My "Village" knows nothing of privacy... but they are cute.

If I do actually make it into the bathroom alone then you'll find me sitting there long after I'm done taking a break from my little "village" and catching up on my Facebook and Twitter or maybe this blog.  Yes I take my iPhone into the bathroom just like everyone else does - I just admit to it.

Just five minutes of no one repeating my name over and over can feel like a mini vacation.  It's funny how much we push and are excited for them to say our names for the first time and then well... it can get a little old sometimes.

I started out as "Momma" when FrenchFry was around um... hrm, I may need to consult the baby book on that one (if I filled that part out).  Eventually "Momma" morphed into "Mommy" which was somehow even better.  Recently though my name has become "MommyMOMmyMOMMY!!!!" in a high pitched tone which just doesn't have the same sweet ring as the first few times my name rolled off his sweet little baby lips.

Before I became pregnant with my son, my biggest fear was that I would regret giving up my independence.  I lived on my own for many years and bought a house by myself before my husband and I lived together.  Independence and a sense of freedom have always been very important to me, and it was scary to think of giving that up.  For me, it was hard to imagine what it would be like to be a parent before I had my son.  Intellectually I knew that it would be rewarding but it was hard to imagine such intangible benefits without actually having been a parent.  It was much easier for me to imagine the very real and tangible things that I did have in my life that would in many ways go away once we had a child.

Yes, when you are a mom you do give up most (all?) of that independence and freedom.  And while I haven't peed by myself very often in the privacy of my own home in the past two years... I don't regret it for a second.  Since the day that FrenchFry was born, I haven't wanted to be too far from him for very long.  In part it may be because I work outside of the home that I am always wanting more quality time with him.  Or maybe it's because one of my top Languages of Love is just that - quality time.  (You can read more about my and my husband's love languages here). 

I wouldn't give up being a mom for the world.  Though I still wouldn't mind peeing without the village a little more often...

Yeah... it's worth it.

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We Went Tent Camping with a 2 Year Old... and Survived!

So after months of cajoling, I finally got (forced) my husband to agree to go camping with me and our two year old.  Unfortunately, the state park we wanted to go to was flooded out so we made a last minute call to the first close campground that Google found and they had a site available!  Actually - they had all their "sites" available since I'm pretty sure no one actually goes to this place to camp on purpose but we'll get to that in a moment.

The Brave Campers

We pulled all of our camping stuff out of the shed then ran around to a few stores including Dick's Sporting Goods with a disgruntled toddler who proclaimed "I don't want any Dicks!!!" while we carried him in.  Ahem.  Yeah, that's not at all embarrassing.  After letting him pull as many flashlights off the shelf as he wanted while we found a tarp and a grate for cooking over the fire, he calmed down, we checked out, and were all set for our trip.

We got on the road and after a quick hour and fifteen minutes we found ourselves at Lizard Creek Campground.  We were greeted by the owner, who we knew immediately was the "jolly old man with the white hair and potbelly" from the one review on Yelp I read before we headed out that way.  Usually I do a lot more research on these types of things but this was plan B and I didn't want to give my husband any excuse to back out so I made the executive decision to book the place without checking into it too much.  And it worked out..... mostly.

Jolly old, potbellied man took us over to our campsite, which was about 20 yards from the row of RV's parked ten across who would be our only neighbors that night.  It wasn't really roughing it given we were under the orange glow of the RV camp lights, but it was roughing it enough that it was filled with perils for a two year old.

Welcome to Toddler Death Island...  I mean - our campsite.  And really it wasn't a Death Island, as much as it was a Death Peninsula. 

Toddler Death Peninsula

We were surrounded on three sides by water - deep river water (bayou?) on two sides and a creepy creature filled swamp on the third.  And of course the RV's to our back.  We definitely had a moment where we questioned whether this was still a good idea.  Not to disparage, but the whole thing had a bit of a back woods feel that us city folk weren't quite ready for.  We were ready for nature and the woods but not like the BACK WOODS, ya know?

Honestly though, we had a blast with it being only psuedo-primitive camping.  It was probably a good first step into camping with our son without actually being too far from some sort of civilization.  We did a pretty good job of packing (we have a camping tupperware we created years ago that provides most of the basics) but we forgot beer for the adults so it was nice for my husband to be able to run down to the mini-mart and get a six pack for after FrenchFry went to sleep.  It was a good test run and we are going to try to get back out in the next couple of weeks for a full weekend a little farther away.  We definitely have a few lessons learned under our belt for the next trip.

A few things we will do a little differently next time:

1. Do more research!

Distracting FrenchFry while putting up the tent so he wouldn't jump into the body of water directly behind him.

Next time I will definitely ask if our camp site will be on Toddler Death Island or Peninsula or Isle... or any other setting that is dangerously close to waterways, nuclear waste dump sites or orange-glowing RV Parks.

2.  Inventory the camping gear before the day of the trip.

Bacon and eggs took a bit longer without any cookware so FrenchFry enjoyed some cereal while we worked through that.

We were definitely missing some of the essentials and even more of the extra conveniences we would have liked to have had.  We were missing cookware and utentsils though we made due with plastic cutlery and aluminum foil.  I meant to bring extra pants for FrenchFry but somehow they didn't make it into the bag.  He did of course make it into the big puddle of mud TWICE requiring us to scramble and find an emergency pair of pants in the bottom of the diaper bag (only one size too small).

I also thought of things we should have had with us like some Benadryl since we don't know what, if any, types of allergies FrenchFry may develop and wouldn't want to be out in the woods without it.

3. Bring more toys/activities.

FrenchFry giving us a reprieve from chasing him from dangers by reading Pout Pout Fish in the tent.

 FrenchFry was pretty entertained by running around (scaring the crap out of us) and helping us collect sticks for firewood, but there were a few moments where it would have been good to have a more reliable source of entertainment for him.  We were also only gone for less than 24 hours so next time on a longer trip we will likely need more than just a few books and his harmonica to get through.

And the thing that we did right:

1.  We made the best of it!

Woke up like this - in a tent.  Take that Beyonce!

In spite of the campground not being exactly what we expected or having all the right gear with us, we had a blast.  We remembered how to put up our tent with getting into an argument (marriage WIN), we taught FrenchFry how to swing on a big kid swing for the first time, we looked at the stars while we held hands with FrenchFry on my lap and we ate S'mores.  What more could you ask for?

FrenchFry and Momma by the campfire.

Have you taken your kids camping?  How young were they when they first stayed in a tent?

Any other advice for our next trip to the woods?  Share your comments below.

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How much do moms actually have to give? Or: Why I'm a terrible mom.

Today is my birthday, and I have planned a luxurious and relaxing day for myself.  I booked three hours (THREE HOURS!) at the spa and plan to go to the movies by myself afterwards.  I've been walking around telling everyone that for the first time since becoming a mom, I'm taking a day off just for me!  This is the first vacation day I've taken since FrencyFry was born where we weren't going out of town or daycare wasn't closed.  This really is a first for me to just take the day for myself, and I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this.

This morning, after the husband left for daycare drop off and work, I started the day by watching some House of Cards, Interneting and general lazy-bumness on the couch while drinking my coffee.  Off to a great start!

And then the phone rang...

FrenchFry threw up on the way to school.

Sigh...

<tears>

Yes - I actually cried.  Not tears for my toddler but tears for ME.  (See: terrible mom.)

I just can't believe it.  My day, my spa treatment, going to the movies, my ME time... it's all slipping away from me with one simple phone call.  My husband is actually on the way home right now with him and he's volunteered to take the day off from work to take care of our son so I can still have my day, but I feel so conflicted.  If FrenchFry is not feeling well then I do want to be there to comfort him.  Ugh.  <whimper>  But it was supposed to be MY DAY!!

And now the question is - can I leave a sick kid and even enjoy a spa experience?   Will I hate myself if I stick with the plan?  Moms are bombarded with messages that tell us to take care of ourselves while simultaneously living up to these incredibly high standards we are given. When we do try to take time for ourselves it's hard not to feel that familiar mom guilt. 

Coincidentally, last night Tim was reading FrenchFry the Giving Tree, and I was telling him that I really don't like the book.  I think it's because it feels like it's about the martyrdom of motherhood - and that's really not my favorite part of being a mom.  It seems like we are expected to be happy giving all of ourselves over to our kids, but how can we be?  Don't we have to preserve ourselves somehow through this thing called motherhood?  Can we give all of our love without chopping off our limbs too?

Is the little boy an ungrateful little jerk or is it just me?

Live Tweeting Your Childhood

"Mommy turn that OFF!"

This is something my two year old has started to say to me about my cell phone or laptop. (And right when I decided to start a momblog - thanks kid.)

I've struggled with this since FrenchFry was born as I think most parents do. I remember reading these articles stating that mothers shouldn't be using smartphones while nursing their babies. We are supposed to lovingly stare into their eyes and connect with them or something. 

Um.... Do these people realize how BORING breastfeeding can be?

The little buggers are latched onto you for like 18 hours a day at first. And I'm supposed to just stare into their little haven't-learned-to-make-eye-contact-yet baby eyes all of that time? Okay...

Need to get Google Glass before the next kid!

Actually, when FrenchFry was a baby my preferred medium was Netflix on the iPad. I watched all 6 seasons of West Wing and countless other shows. What else are you going to do to keep yourself from falling asleep at three am?  Plus FrenchFry was always a long nurser.  Straight up until he was one he would nurse for at least 45 minutes every session.  That's the exact time it takes to watch an hour show minus the commercials. That can't be a coincidence. He knew what was up. 

Sometimes though I really worry about being the distracted mom. Or what I'm teaching FrenchFry by spending so much time on these devices in his presence.  Sometimes it's reading Facebook or more recently spending mindless time on Twitter.  Other times it's that I have my phone out to take pictures and video because I want to capture all of these awesome moments with him.  And then feel compelled to live tweet it or post it on Instagram and Facebook immediately.

Sometimes I just wish I had a device where I could take pictures that wasn't connected to the Internet. Hrm....

Oh right.... that thing.

This also goes back to the struggle to be truly present in the moment.   By taking photos and video of all of the amazing moments with him, am I pulling myself out of just being there and being present with him?  It's really hard to say because it doesn't feel that way most of the time. 

This study got some traction last year citing "photo-taking-impairment" which means that people who take photos (in this case of objects in a museum) were less likely to remember what they saw than those that did not take photos.  But even the authors of the study found that if you interacted with the object and added some focus like zooming in on specific details of the object while taking the picture you could counteract the photo-taking-impairment effect.  And I know that when I'm with FrenchFry, even if I'm taking photos or swinging by my Facebook feed when posting them briefly, I'm honed into the details of how hard he laughs when I push the swing higher or how he pronounces "My see a pretty duck."  And I enjoy all of the little details that make him so amazing to me every day.

Lately I've been trying to pay more attention to my usage of all of these devices around FrenchFry, especially since he's clearly been picking up on it and asking me to turn my phone off.  Sometimes I try to force myself to wait until we get home to post the photos I take when we are out doing fun stuff,  and sometimes I still live tweet every moment of the day.  It's a challenge, and I'll keep working at it to make sure that I'm not missing any moments of what is going on right in front of me.

But I'm not going to take less photos... I just can't.  And if I did, I wouldn't have pictures like this to hang up in my cube at work to help get me through the work day until I can come back home to my little family.

In Defense of Night Weaning My 2 Year Old

This past week I started night weaning my two year old. Yeah - I'll give you a second to pull your jaw up from the floor on that one.

I'm tempted to say "in my defense" but why do I feel the need to defend myself? I am always feeling like I have to defend my choices as a parent. I feel the need to defend nursing my son past two and then turn right around and feel like I need to defend any effort to wean him before he's ready on his own. Just depends on the audience.  

Instead of defending myself, I'll just say that really this has worked for us up until this point.  FrenchFry was a pretty typical sleeper for a newborn and then from 4 to 8 months he gave us fairly consistent full nights of sleep and then well... it's been up and down since.  Mostly though it's been manageable and while I haven't strung more than 6 or 7 nights together uninterrupted, the past year or so has usually meant him waking up once overnight, nursing back to sleep and then getting up early to nurse and doze back off until the alarm goes off. 

I never really considered a cry it out method - it just wasn't ever going to be for me and I knew that from that start.  I've read a lot about gentle sleep training or night weaning over the past two years and it always sounds good in theory but again, wasn't for me in practice.  I've also read plenty that says that by nursing him to sleep (we've only gotten away from that in the past couple of weeks), nursing him overnight, and letting him sleep in our bed we are making grave mistakes and apparently will have him sleeping in our bed unable to fall asleep without us when he's 15.

 
But even though the jury is still out on him falling asleep on his own and staying in his own bed all night consistently, it seems like we are (mostly) naturally moving in that direction.  I've waited until I have felt FrenchFry was truly ready for a step before taking it and (aside from that one week that I tried to push not nursing him to sleep against my own instincts and almost got myself a divorce in the process) the transitions have gone well.  I think in most cases FrenchFry has been ready for each of these well before I was.

Like the night weaning.  It's actually been going surprisingly well. He comes into our bed and says "momma milk" and I tell him that mommy milk is not for night time anymore and then he'll say "Nooo.... I want momma milk! Mommy milk...."  <yawn... zonked> 

For our next sleep evolution I ordered him a "toddler clock" to help him learn to sleep in his own bedroom all night.  It's a choo choo train (do I say "choo choo train" now instead of just saying train??) that has a red, yellow and green light to teach him to stay in his bed until the light turns green at an appropriate wake up time.  Once I'm comfortable that he's fully transitioned from nursing overnight we'll try out the clock and see how it goes.  I'm sure I've ruined him already by letting him come into our bed on his own (I think I read that somewhere) but who knows, maybe things will continue to progress as they have been and uninterrupted sleep is in my future.

All aboard!  To sleeping in your own dang bed.

Now that we are moving away from nursing overnight we are just down to nursing first thing in the morning, before bed and at nap-time on the weekends.  I'm feeling some internal pressure to start the full weaning process but I'm not sure exactly why.   Before I was even pregnant my worry was always that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed or that I wouldn't be able to nurse long enough to meet my goals - aloud I would say six months, to myself I would say a year, and truly I wanted to make it until he was two to meet the WHO recommendations but was afraid to admit that to myself.  Now 2 has come and gone and I wonder when and how this breastfeeding journey will end.

Hopefully once we are BOTH ready.

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Dogs in Carseats

You know you've been spending too much time on the carseat blogs when you watch the Subaru Dog commercial and your first thought is "that puppy really should be rearfacing."

Focusing on the Good Stuff

Yesterday I went to a Mardi Gras parade with a few friends and our two toddlers.  It was a gorgeous New Orleans day (75 degrees in February?!?  I'll take it!) and we went down to the French Quarter with a wagon and the two tots to get our Barkus on.  The Krewe of Barkus is the Mardi Gras parade with marching bands, floats, beads, and all the fun you would expect at any New Orleans Mardi Gras parade - just with dogs (in costume of course).

Green Barkus dog.  Hopefully it washes out?

 It also required trudging through stop and go traffic, dealing with Mardi Gras parking, walking 12 blocks pulling a wagon and trying to navigate through the crowd to get a good spot - which we never really did.  We were late and weren't able to cross the parade route to meet up with friends we had planned to meet and it was hard to see anything (why are those dogs so short?!?).   I tried to bring FrenchFry up to the front a few times but he couldn't see in the Ergo on my back and he would cry if I tried to put him on my shoulders.  Frankly, he seemed a lot more interested in sitting in the wagon with his friend eating goldfish crackers than checking out the parade at all.

Mommy (Red) and Max on the parade route.

Sometimes it's hard for me to find a way to be truly present and just enjoy things like this.  I focus on all of the things that aren't going right and the expectations I had going in that are hard to live up to.  And now that I have FrenchFry, there is an added expectation that he have (unadulterated) fun as well.  That's not to say that we didn't have fun.  There were the great NOLA Mardi Gras moments in there like FrenchFry and his toddler friend rocking out to the marching band and us all getting our boogie on.  We got (much needed) sunshine and exercise and time in the beautiful French Quarter.  It's just so easy to focus on the things that didn't work out as planned sometimes as opposed to the brighter moments.  Or perhaps to focus on the epic toddler-who-missed-his-nap meltdown that resulted in me carrying a kicking and screaming kid 10 blocks back to our car.  (I really do feel bad for the strangers who came up to us hoping to distract him with their shiny beads because he was just NOT having it.)


Long after we were home (and the meltdown of all meltdowns had subsided) I was putting FrenchFry to bed.  He was playing with his multi-colored nightlight and I asked him:

Me: "Do you have a favorite color, FrenchFry?"

Max: "Uh, yeah!"

Me: "What is it?"

Max:  "Doggie parade!"


And it hit me.  We remember the Good Stuff.  He'll remember the Good Stuff.  And I need to continue to work on being present in the moment and just enjoy the it - not worry so much about the expectations I put on myself or the world around me.

Rockin' out.

If there is any place to really embody that philosophy it is New Orleans during Mardi Gras time.  And I thank my two year old for reminding me of that.  Next weekend is the big weekend of Mardi Gras and we will be hitting more parades and there will be more boogieing to be done. And we will get through the (inevitable) meltdowns and we will all remember the Good Stuff.

Ketchup counts, right?

A few years ago, Michelle Obama championed the passing of the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act which requires school lunch programs to incorporate more fruits and vegetables; less trans fats and sugars in school lunches.  Sounds good, right? At the time there was a big deal made in the media when certain groups wanted to count the tomato sauce in pizza and even ketchup as a vegetable.  Single, pre-mom me was all over that.  I am pretty sure I shared a few snarky Facebook posts about how ridiculous it was that anyone would even try to pretend that tomato sauce and ketchup could count as a vegetable.  RIDICULOUS!  <waves fist in the air>

Flash forward a few (very awesome) years and I'm married and have an adorable and typically picky-eating toddler, FrenchFry.  Now ketchup HAS to be a vegetable!  Not only is ketchup considered a veggie in our house, it is also the vehicle by which we can actually get FrenchFry to eat any food some days (or weeks).  And pizza?  PIZZA?  Tomato sauce is clearly enough of a vegetable to help me sleep at night.  I mean - that is if there wasn't that toddler climbing into my bed in the wee hours, but that's a whole other issue for me to worry, fret and lie to myself about. 

See?  It says TOMATO right on it!

I'm one of those moms (is there a different type these days?) that has spent countless hours on my iPhone reading up on virtually every aspect of fertility, pregnancy, childbirth, and taking care of the little buggers once they are on the outside.

Before FrenchFry was born I spent a lot of time reading articles about how making your own organic baby food is really the only smart thing to do (who would spend all that money on something you can make yourself?!).  I was going to be a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, makin' my own organic baby food, no TV, and no processed food for MY kid kind of mom.  Some of those things stuck (still nursing FrenchFry at 25 months and we did pretty good with the TV thing) but plenty of my pre-baby ideas have gone by the wayside.  (Who freaking has time to make your own baby food when they sell it in those convenient little pouches?!)

And I'm okay with that.  It took some time but the guilt - of being a new mom, a working mom, a sending my kid to daycare mom, a my kid eats non-organic fruit that I mostly remember to wash mom... an IMPERFECT MOM (who loves her kid with all of her heart) - that guilt has mostly quieted these days.  It's still there, but it's no longer in the foreground.  These days I skip clicking on the "you're a terrible parent if you rock your kid to sleep" posts and revel in the ones that say organic food is over-rated.  I'm not saying it's over-rated.  I really have no clue, but to keep the scared, guilty mom voice quiet I've decided to focus on the fact that I do the best I can and make the best decisions I know how.  And so far - the kid seems pretty alright.  

These days if my kid is crying for a snack in the car and I find a bag of stale pretzel sticks under the seat I feel like I'm Super Mom.

Mmmm.... FrenchFry loves his ketchup.

Oh and ketchup - ketchup is a life saver.

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